I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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