We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
