He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
And then he peed in my hair
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