Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Randomize
