The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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