My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
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