Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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