Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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