my mouth tastes like poor choices
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
