God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
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