she woke up with a sticky ear
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
