Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
