i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
