my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
