If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I skipped work to stalk him.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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