I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
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