You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
