too bad you live with your parents still
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
