so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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