listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
