Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Just invented taco cereal.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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