Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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