I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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