It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize