we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
