Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
even my farts smell like vagina
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you told grandpa to call you daddy
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
