a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize