i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
