im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
