I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
