I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
All the doctor said was why
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
