Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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