Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
