i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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