My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
