arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Randomize
