this beer tastes like vomit already
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
