Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
