he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
