I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize