Fine. I'll sleep in my office
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
