I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
