don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
