Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
