Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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