I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
