I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
