Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
My balls are so social today.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
