can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
