I will die if light touches me.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
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