its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
