He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
