i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize