You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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