I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
