the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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