i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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