dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
