does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
