Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
