she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
