I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
