Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
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