Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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