Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
