You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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